Things You Either Hate or Love, by Brigid Lowry OR The Power of Mono

This book demonstrates the power of a good case of glandular fever (which my research tells me is mono) and the loss of 4 kilos (which I believe to be about 8.8 pounds…my phone informs me that it is 8.818490 pounds).

Once upon a time there was a charming, entertaining girl named Georgia who liked to make lists and who longed to go to her favorite music group’s concert. She went out on a hunt to get jobs, hated babysitting, didn’t get invited to interview at a video shop, got fired from a bakery after attacking a coworker with a baguette (BEST scene in the book, as I’ve always been a firm believer that baguettes would make excellent weapons), and then worked at a supermarket where there was a holdup. She was also overweight, though her mother and best friend (who was on a one-woman mission to save the world) assured her that she was simply curvy. Georgia’s dad died when Georgia was about four, and her mom still hadn’t started dating again. Georgia’s aunt and uncle were also on the verge of divorce. AND said best friend went on a vacation, leaving Georgia alone for the holidays (which is when Georgia starts working the supermarket job). Georgia develops a crush on a boy who works with her, but for 9/10ths of the book this boy is taken by various others as far as Georgia knows. Another boy likes and tries to kiss Georgia, but she’s not interested. Oh, and Georgia’s favorite music group breaks up because two of the members are heroin addicts. Then Georgia gets mono.

Ahhh, mono, you are thinking to yourself, this is truly terrible, poor, poor Georgia. But you see, it is with the help of mono that Georgia manages to lose the oh-so important 8.818490 pounds, as she feels too sick to eat. Miraculously, Georgia starts dating the boy she likes, her mother talks to her about her father and also starts dating, her aunt and uncle move back in together, she gets a job she likes, her old best friend finds a new best friend who will change the world with her, and Georgia finds a new friend at said like-able job.

ALL BECAUSE OF 8.818490 POUNDS.*

That’s it. I shall now lose that much weight (in a very unhealthy way wherein I will simply stop eating) and keep you all updated as to my life situation. I currently anticipate that I shall get a cute and intelligent guy who works with me to date me, I will get into all post-grad programs I applied to, I will be offered a job at my home ice rink, all my friendships will become picture perfect, and I will have a wonderfully normal relationship with my family, both immediate and extended.

If you know my extended family, then you know we will never, ever, be normal. It’s part of our charm.

As I promised, updates on how this life change goes will be forthcoming.

*Another reading is that she gets the boyfriend and that solves everything else. In that case, when I get a boyfriend I will also keep you updated as to how everything else in my life suddenly starts going well.